


Twisted Fates and Library Dates

by NavyKangaroo59



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Library, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, College, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Good Peter Pettigrew, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, James Potter is a Good Friend, Lily Evans Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Meet-Cute, Mutual Pining, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Slow Burn, University
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:14:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28669800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NavyKangaroo59/pseuds/NavyKangaroo59
Summary: Remus hated exam season.Not because of the exams and assignments – although he wasn’t keen on those either – but because of the people.Everywhere you went on campus: people.And yes, he understood that he was at university, there were going to be people, but when exams came around, they came out in their droves. Deciding that shitty student houses and flats were too noisy and distracting to revise, so they came to his favourite spot: The Library....An hour rolled by, and Remus was frantically typing away at his laptop. He was so engrossed that he almost didn’t notice the stranger at the top of the stairs.Almost.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 25
Kudos: 63





	1. Handsome Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> This may be boring, I don't even know.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy, and please let me know of any feedback/edits I need in the comments!

Remus hated exam season.

Not because of the exams and assignments – although he wasn’t keen on those either – but because of the _people_.

Everywhere you went on campus: people.

And yes, he understood that he was at university, there were going to be people. But, when exams came around, they came out in their _droves_. Deciding that shitty student houses and flats were too noisy and distracting to revise, so they came to his favourite spot: The Library.

The library was big, not particularly grandiose or pretty, but Remus liked it – usually – because it was quiet, mostly empty. His favourite spot was on the 4th floor, with a booth right next to the massive floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the roads down below. So, if his brain wasn’t working, he could rest and watch as people went about their daily lives, blissfully unaware of the student watching them, and maybe making up stories about their lives.

It was tiring getting a seat in the library during Exam Season. You had to be up early and be in for 9am, otherwise you wouldn’t stand a chance. People camped out at their seats all day, barely getting to nip to the loo without worrying they wouldn’t have a chair to get back to.

But Remus was lucky: barely anybody graced the 4th floor – 8 sets of stairs was enough to put even the fittest people off – so during these times it took longer for the 4th floor to fill up. It still did, but Remus had at least half an hour to himself.

During this particular January exam season, it had snowed the night before, so Remus had to scale the 8 sets of stairs in his many winter layers he’d had to don for the walk to the library. Luckily his favourite booth was empty, so he arrived red in the face and sweating. He was suddenly glad of the emptiness – nobody was there to judge him.

He took his usual place by the window, waiting for his laptop to boot up. He glanced out; the view was beautiful: the sun reflecting off of the snow-lined rooftops, creating an almost ethereal glow. He smiled down at the many students, all bundled up in thick coats and hats, all trudging through the snow on their way to lectures or to study.

He gazed for a few minutes, before turning back to his laptop. He rummaged in his backpack for his earbuds, found his favourite study playlist, and opened up the god-forsaken Word document that contained one of the many assignments he had due that week. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly: time to get to work.

An hour rolled by, and Remus was frantically typing away at his laptop. He was so engrossed that he almost didn’t notice the stranger at the top of the stairs.

Almost.

He took out an earbud and stared: the stranger was beautiful. He clearly knew it, because every step those perfectly battered Doc Martens took oozed a confidence Remus could only dream of. The stranger had jet-black, curly, mid-length hair, mostly hidden underneath a black beanie. He wore all black: black jeans, a long black hoodie underneath a long, black, expensive-looking coat. The only colour on him was a red and gold striped scarf, which stood out stark against his pale complexion. The man was effortlessly cool, and Remus immediately felt self-conscious.

The stranger caught his eye, smiled. Remus looked away quickly. _Shit. He definitely just caught me staring_ , he thought. Remus dared another quick look up: the stranger was now walking towards him with a smile on his face. _Double shit._

Handsome Stranger arrived at the foot of the table: “I’m sorry mate, but do you mind if I share this booth with you? The library’s packed today and there’s no other seats.”

Remus gulped, trying to make his mouth less dry. He took a quick look around the floor: it had filled up since he got here. It did look like Remus’ booth was the last one available. Most people just ignored him when he was sat here, but here is a person. Talking to him. And a beautiful person at that. "Uh, sh-sure." _Smooth, Remus._

The man gave a wide grin, before plonking his bag down on the chair in front of him. Remus took a deep breath: this dude was a normal dude – albeit very attractive – but a normal person. Treat them as such. Remus found his voice again: “Do you mind sitting diagonally to me though? So I can stretch my legs out a bit?”

The man nodded. “No problem.”

Remus turned back to his laptop, although he was slightly distracted by Handsome Stranger out of the corner of his eye. He was in the middle of shaking out his hair from under his beanie- _oh my God that hair._

Remus shook himself: he needed to focus. He had 3 more days until this essay was due in, and he’d never had to hand in an assignment late, and by God he wasn’t going to start now.

Remus eventually managed to get focused again: he was typing furiously, finally finding passion in what he was writing about. After about an hour, he triumphantly reached the end of his concluding paragraph. Smiling to himself, confident with what he’d written, he checked the word count.

He was 1000 words over.

Remus groaned and put his head in his hands dramatically. He was so happy with everything he’d written; he really didn’t want to edit anything out of it.

“Uh, mate, you okay?”

 _Shit._ He’d forgotten about Handsome Stranger.

Feeling the blood rush to his cheeks, he cringed. “Shit. Yes. Sorry. I’m fine.”

“You sure? I mean, I know it’s exams, but…” the handsome stranger looked at him with an eyebrow raised. It was attractive. _Because everything he does is attractive, Remus._

Remus puffed the air out of his cheeks and looked nervously at his hands. “Yeah, it’s just… It’s stupid. I’m over my word count for my stupid essay and I don’t want to cut it down.”

The handsome stranger chuckled. “Wow, normally people moan about not being able to hit the word count: you must be a proper nerd if you’re moaning about writing too much.”

Remus looked up to see the intent of his words: he was smirking, and one eyebrow was raised; he was joking with him.

Remus laughed gently. “Yeah, I guess. I’m just sick of this essay to be honest. This is the first of like 4 I’ve got due this week.”

The handsome stranger winced. “Unlucky mate. Sounds like you’ve got a long week ahead of you.”

Remus snorted, “I have to laugh, or I’ll cry.”

Handsome Stranger had an infectious laugh; it made Remus smile to hear it, and to know he caused it. “Don’t I know it mate. I was about to ask anyway, but you look like you need it now. I was about to head to the café to grab a coffee – I could grab you something if you’d like?”

Remus was taken aback. Normally people in the library ignored each other; maybe giving each other a grimace as they passed each other on the stairs. This was unheard of.

Still, he was gasping for a cuppa, and if Handsome Stranger was offering…

“I’d love a cup of tea if you don’t mind. I’ve got money, let me just-”

Handsome stranger waved a hand. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I’ve got it.”

Remus was taken aback. _Is this what really confident people do? Buy drinks for strangers they’ve never met?_ “Oh, th-thank you.”

Handsome stranger beamed. “You take milk and sugar?”

“Yes please. Milk and one sugar.”

“Amazing. Can you watch my stuff while I’m gone?”

Remus nodded, feeling slightly dazed, ready to overthink the entire encounter.

Handsome stranger winked at him. “I’ll be back in a few.” Remus’ stomach filled with butterflies.

Remus watched him go, before immediately grabbing his phone.

**Remus: Uh, Lily, what does it mean when a stranger sits down opposite you in the Library and offers to buy you a drink?**

He only had to wait about five minutes for a reply.

**Lily: Uh,,,,, what**

**Lily: Also ty for being a welcome distraction I was ready to jump out of the window**

**Remus: First of all, pls don’t**

**Remus: Second of all….**

**Remus: Right so I was sat in my favourite booth**

**Remus: and this, admittedly, gorgeous human being asks to sit with me bc library is packed**

**Remus: and after he sees me suffer bc EssayTM**

**Remus: he offers to buy me a drink from the café**

**Remus: he was also joking with me????? He called me a nerd?????? I don’t even know his name??????**

**Lily: Oh damn. What does he look like? Bc he might be into you dude**

**Remus: omg Lils he’s really cool he makes me look so dorky in comparison he’s got black curly hair and cheekbones to die for and looks really cool and he’s got this really cool style and really cool Dms**

**Remus: also you’re incredibly wrong I’ve barely met the dude**

**Lily: Oh Damn. Sounds hot. And you never know Rem!!! You don’t give yourself enough credit!!! You’re also hot!!**

Remus blushed – he didn’t know how to respond to that.

**Lily: Do you know his name?**

**Remus: Nope**

**Lily: Well, see if you can get any more info out of him and text me so I can insta stalk him xxxx**

**Remus: tysm you’re the best**

**Remus: shit here he comes will update later bye**

Remus frantically put his phone back into his backpack as he watched Sirius walk back, holding two cups.

“Ok my dear,” he winked at Remus, “we have one tea with milk pour toi…” he placed the paper cup next to Remus’ laptop, before grabbing a few sugar packets from his coat packet and placing those down too. “… and one coffee pour moi.” He placed the cup on the table with a dramatic flourish.

Remus picked the cup up gratefully. “How much do I owe you?”

Handsome Stranger, once again, shook his head. “Nothing. I said I’d get it.” He smiled again. “I’m Sirius, by the way. Sirius Black.”

 _Ah, of course his name is as cool as he is._ “Remus Lupin.”

They grinned at each other, and Remus looked back at his laptop and took a deep breath: essays don’t write themselves.

An hour passed, and Remus was bored. He stared out of the window, hoping for something interesting to happen. Nothing much: a scattering of students, maybe the odd businessman striding about with a backpack. Sirius noticed: “What are you looking for?”

Remus jumped, and immediately blushed. “Oh, nothing really – I just like watching the world go by.”

Sirius scooted up the bench, so he was next to the window. Remus was painfully aware of Sirius’ legs pressed against his own in the small space underneath the table.

“It’s pretty today.” Sirius said. He pointed to two students across the road. “Bet you they’ve just come out of an exam: it went amazingly for one of them, and the other is just agreeing, knowing that he just tanked it.”

Remus raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You make up stories for people too?”

Sirius looked at him and rolled his eyes as if to say ‘duh’. He pointed to an elderly couple helping each other cross the road. “They’ve been married for years, have 3 kids. The 3 kids are pillars of society: all of them. One’s a teacher, one’s a doctor, and one’s an electrician.”

Remus laughed. “Alright, one’s a teacher, but hates their job. Gets picked on by the kids, but dreams of running away and becoming a dancer. Has been dancing for years but got forced into teaching by their overprotective parents who wanted them to be a pillar of society.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Bit dark there Remus. But I like it. Subvert the expected and all that.” They both chuckled; Sirius continued: “Alright, so that’s the teacher. The doctor loves his job: he’s a GP, has a family and lives a little town in the country that’s full of old people, so he basically administers flu jabs for a living.”

Remus mused, “You wouldn’t think you’d be the positive one out of the two of us.”

Sirius pretended to look offended. “I don’t know what you mean good sir. I am a ray of positivity and light.” He paused. “Who happens to look great in black…”

“Hm, maybe.” Remus laughed. _Is this… flirting?_ He thought, then shook his head. “Anyway, the electrician. Amazing at her job. Top of the class at Electrician School-”

Sirius burst out laughing, “Electrician School?”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s a thing.” Remus giggled. “Anyway, top of her class. One of maybe 3 females there: the class is dominated by men. But she likes school and likes the social aspect of being an electrician: she likes the science behind it, but she likes talking to the people she works for. Has her own business, and her own van. Quite accomplished.” Remus finished. Sirius looked at him with an eyebrow raised. “I’m expecting some horrific twist about how she fell off a ladder three years ago and never recovered and had to leave her job or something?”

Remus smiled: “Now who’s the pessimist?”

Sirius shook his head and moved back to his seat, leaving Remus’ legs cold and alone. They both went back to work.

At half 1, Sirius announced he was going to go home for lunch. “But, Remus, it was nice to meet you. I hope we bump into each other again!”

Remus tried to ignore the tinge of sadness he felt. He mustered a smile: “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Sirius tied his scarf around his neck, picked up his backpack with a flourish and grinned. At the top of the stairs, he turned around and waved again, blowing a kiss. Remus blushed. He could hear Sirius laughing as he went down the stairs.


	2. Normal. With a Capital N.

The next day, Remus woke up to his alarm with a groan. 7am was too early for humans to function, he decided. He could hear the rain thundering outside: the walk to the library was going to be oh-so-much fun. His stomach filled with butterflies when he thought of who might be there. He’d thought about Sirius a lot last night. Reflected on each interaction they’d had.

He’d told Lily everything. When he’d said his name was Sirius, she’d laughed and said: “You’ve finally been beat for the Stupid Name Award.” She’d found him on Instagram like she said she would, and agreed he was attractive. “Yeah, he’s hot Re.”

She was adamant Sirius was into him, but Remus refused to believe it. They’d barely met, and besides, stuff like that didn’t happen to him.

He was Normal. With a Capital N.

People didn’t stop to stare at him like they did Sirius; Remus blended into the crowd, whereas Sirius purposefully stood out.

Despite all this, he thought as he was walking up the steep hill to the library, he was glad he’d met someone new. A new friend. And Sirius was nice, and he’d be happy if he saw him again, not because he liked him, but because he’d be a friend. Yes: he’d force his feelings into submission.

He got into the library at half 8 and found his booth completely empty and waiting for him. He was out of breath and sweating when he went to sit down – as usual. He looked out of the window as his laptop booted up. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t looking for a particular curly-haired individual. _No._ He thought. _You’re only going to set yourself up for disappointment. He’s a f r i e n d._

He opened the same goddamned document he was working on yesterday. Earbuds. Study playlist. Work cycle repeats.

A few hours went by, by which point Remus was becoming increasingly bored and disappointed at the lack of Sirius. He stood up to stretch his legs. He took a glance around the floor: so many wireless headphones and laptops. Stressed faces. Heads in hands. _Yep_ , he thought, _typical Exam Season_.

He sat back down. He’d cut his essay down to be just 250 words over the maximum, and was so close to being able to hand it in.

He gazed wistfully out of the window. No sign of Sirius, and it was nearing half 11 now.

Remus needed to distract himself. He got out his book from his bag, hoping to give his brain a rest, just for 20 minutes or so. A break from thinking about Sirius, a break from this god-damned essay.

But his mind wouldn’t play along. All he could think of was how he needed to get the essay done, and how he wanted to see Sirius again.

It made no logical sense why he was so dependent on this essential stranger. The only thing Remus knew about him was his name, and he drank coffee. Not exactly enough to draw any conclusions. But he could remember his face. His steely grey eyes, which perfectly matched his pale complexion. His dark curls that he tied back when he was working, with rogue tendrils framing his face. He was a work of art.

Ironically, Remus was so lost in thought, that he didn’t register the certain curly-haired individual slide into the booth diagonally opposite him. It was only when a paper cup was placed gingerly in front of Remus’ book, did he finally realise who had arrived. He nearly jumped out of his skin, and his heart skipped a beat. “Jesus Christ, you startled me Sirius.”

Sirius grinned. “Sorry mate, but I brought you tea. Sorry I’m a bit late, there was a massive queue at the café today.” He placed two sugar packets next to the cup.

“Late? So, is this going to be a regular thing?” Remus pointed between the two of them. _Not like a date. Like two friends who happen to have a million and one assignments and exams and like the company and friendship. Nothing more._

Sirius shrugged. “I was hoping so – do you mind?”

 _No. Not at all._ “No. Not at all.”

Sirius beamed. Remus felt his own face mirror his infectious grin. He took a sip before he started speaking again. “Are you going to let me pay you today Sirius?” He couldn’t stop saying his name; he enjoyed the way it sounded. 

Sirius stuck his tongue out. “I will do no such thing.”

“Sirius, you barely know me. Why are you buying me tea against my will?”

“Are you complaining?” Sirius laughed.

“Of course not! But-”

“You are right though my dear. I know very little about you. So, I’m going to guess some things and you can tell me if I’m right. You know, like we did yesterday with the people outside.” Sirius looked so earnest: like a child playing eye-spy on a long car journey.

“Very well.”

Sirius looked him up and down. “Ok. So I always associate oversized jumpers and corduroys with English degrees, but I’d have noticed you if you were in my course-” he paused to wink at Remus. Remus blushed and took a sip of his tea. _Again. More flirting. He probably just is a flirtatious guy – some people are. I’m guessing he’s like that with all his friends._

Sirius continued on, “-so, it’s clearly not English. You don’t strike me as a Philosophy type. Maybe Psychology? Or History? Or Archaeology maybe? Perhaps Architecture? Something like that. I think you’re from Wales, and I think you have a brother who’s younger than you. I’ve got no basis for that, but you give off a vibe.”

“I give off a ‘vibe’ that I have a younger brother?”

“Don’t question the method Remus! ANYWAY…” He looked at Remus for dramatic effect, “I don’t think you’re particularly sporty, but I think you enjoy rugby, because you’re Welsh. In the future I can see you as a teacher or something.”

Remus chuckled. “You named a few degrees there, so you increased your probability, but I’ll still give it to you: I do History. And I happen to like oversized jumpers and corduroys – not because I’m a history student thank you very much – but because they’re warm and-”

“Nah it’s the History student aesthetic, just admit it.” Sirius interrupted.

“Fine. You’re right, I’m from South Wales: I didn’t think I had that much of an accent but clearly it’s still there-”

“It’s definitely there. It’s adorable.” Sirius agreed. _Is this flirting? No. Friends being friendly friends. Friendly friends who barely know each other._ Remus ignored the butterflies in his stomach. “Would you stop interrupting?”

“Sorry, please continue.” Sirius was smirking. _Attractive. No. Stop it._

They were bantering. Like friends do. Nothing more. Friends. Friendly friends. But that didn’t stop the butterflies that were still in Remus’ stomach, and the way his heart lurched whenever Sirius’ leg accidentally touched his own.

“Anyway, yeah. Only child, so you’re wrong there, and I’m not massively sporty – I don’t know what gave it away – but I’m not a massive rugby fan either. Despite being Welsh.”

Sirius winced, “So close. What do you want to do after uni?”

“Oh yeah, I am planning to do teacher training after this.”

Sirius pumped his fist in the air. “Hell yeah baby, 3 out of 5!”

Remus smiled fondly.

“Ok! Your turn!” Sirius gave his full attention to Remus, posing dramatically.

“Shit. Ok. You give off a Philosophy or Psychology vibe to me. However, you already said you study English, so I know that one…”

Sirius facepalmed. “I’m an idiot. Yes, I study English.”

Remus continued, “You have a southern accent, so I’m guessing you come from the South – can’t for the life of me pinpoint where though. I think you’re an only child. I think you’re a football fan – I’m guessing that’s where the scarf is from – and I think you play some sport, but I don’t know which. I can see you being some sort of ‘free spirit’” he said these words in air quotes, much to Sirius’ enjoyment, “like a writer or artist or something. Either that, or you’ll end up writing slogans for companies.”

Sirius almost spat out the coffee he was drinking. He swallowed, before bursting out laughing. “Brilliant.”

Remus filled with pride.

“But yeah, I’ll give my fact file: Yes, I study English, but with French, so I study the two-”

“Oh, that makes sense – I wondered what kinda of pretentious sod uses French in conversations…”

Sirius looked confused.

“You know, yesterday:” Remus put on an over-exaggerated posh accent, “one tea pour toi and one coffee pour moi…”

Sirius burst out laughing. _I love his laugh. No. Stop it._ “You cheeky sod. I don’t sound like that!”

“Au contraire, mon frère.” Remus winked. _God is this flirting? I’m flirting? What has come over me? _

They both laughed; Sirius continued: “Yeah, I’m from just south of London, so you’re right. I have a little brother, but we’re not exactly close. Uh, what else…?” He glanced at the scarf, “Oh! Scarf! I am a football fan, but the scarf isn’t football: my best mate’s mum made it for me in secondary.” He picked up the scarf fondly. “Our school had these stupid houses named after old people – I don’t even know who – and I was in Gryffindor – weird name, I know, but it was the same house as James – so his mum made us matching scarves.” He placed the scarf back down, as if it were the most precious item in the world.

“Do you play any sport?” Remus prompted.

“Yeah, me and James are in one of the uni football teams. We don’t take it seriously. Or rather, I don’t take it seriously, James does. I hope you never see him on a match day.” He shuddered for dramatic effect. Remus giggled; Sirius grinned. “And, finally, you’re right. I want to be a writer.”

“Should I do an impression of the old couple we saw yesterday?” He pointed a finger at Sirius and altered his voice to sound ‘old’: “Now look here Sirius, you need to think sensibly. Why not be a plumber?”

Sirius shuddered again, laughing faintly. “Please don’t – you sound like my family.”

“Ah shit mate, sorry.” _Now I’ve had taken it too far. Way to go Remus._ He dropped it and an awkward silence lapsed between them. Remus dove into his backpack and got out his Emergency Study Chocolate. He opened it and pushed it towards Sirius. “Chocolate?”

Sirius smiled, “Cheers mate.” He took a piece and turned back to his laptop. Remus did the same. _I think I managed to save that_.

Sirius left at half 1 again. Waved on the stairs. Blew a kiss. And was gone.

Remus left not long after.


	3. Wednesday

They kept that up for the next month: Remus would arrive early, mainly because he still liked having an hour to himself, and someone had to save the sacred booth. Sirius would turn up an hour or two later, always holding 2 cups. He found, the more time he spent at the library, the more work he had to do at home, but he didn’t mind; he enjoyed Sirius’ company too much to complain about the lack of work either of them did.

Lily was still adamant that Sirius was into him.

She had invaded his room without knocking, as usual, holding two mugs of Earl Grey. She complained she was losing her mind revising so needed a distraction and was now taking up most of the room on his bed, to the extent that he was sat on the floor. In his own room.

She didn’t seem to notice this however: “Honestly Re, he blows kisses, he always gets you tea, AND he said your accent was adorable! You guys text all the time! And I’ve heard your late-night phone calls! That’s not what friends do!”

Remus took a sip of his tea and sighed: his new friendship with Sirius was taking up more of Lily’s brainpower than her Chemistry exams were meant to be. 

“But Lils, those kinds of things are the things we do. And we’re friends.”

“Remus you’re hopeless.” She dropped her head against the duvet. “This situation is hopeless!”

“It’s alright for you: you’re not the one involved.”

Truth be told it wasn’t just Lily who was spending too much time dwelling on his new friendship. It seemed like Sirius never left his thoughts. He was always reminded of things Sirius did. _Honestly. The cheek of it! During Exam Season, no less._

“Have you tried just… asking him out?” Lily said, ever straight-forward. To Lily it was so simple: if you didn’t know something, you asked. Don’t know whether your new friend has a crush on you? Ask them. Easy.

But Remus wasn’t that sort of person. He ruminated, and worried, and stressed, until the universe solved whatever dilemma he had in front of him.

Besides, what if Sirius was put off by him asking? What if he wasn’t gay? What if he was secretly homophobic and would take offence?

But he really liked Sirius. And Sirius _was_ always flirting with him...

He took a deep breath. "Ok. I'll ask him tomorrow." 

Lily whooped, almost spilling her tea all over Remus' bed.

Lily and he workshopped exactly what he'd say: he was confident he could do it.

However, suddenly at half 10 the next day, Remus wasn’t confident.

He’d been sitting here for the past 2 hours, trying desperately to work on the research for the next assignment he needed to do. This was normally the bit he liked doing, but his mind wouldn't stay put.

Today he was going to ask Sirius to meet up outside the library.

It sounded so pathetic, so insignificant, but to Remus, it felt like life or death.

His leg bounced up and down repeatedly and he could not for the life of him focus on what he was meant to be doing. He kept glancing at the clock: it was now nearing 11. This was usually the time Sirius arrived, holding his two paper cups and giving him a massive grin and they’d pretend to argue about the money – Remus never won.

**Remus: Hey Sirius, are you coming today?**

**Remus: I’ll buy drinks?**

No reply.

No read receipt.

An hour went by, slowly and painfully.

He kept checking his phone. No reply.

He kept glancing outside, in case he saw Sirius strolling below his window. No sign.

He kept looking around the library floor. No sign.

A look at the clock: nearing 1 in the afternoon. He’d stay until half 1, then give up.

No sign.

Remus tried not to feel disappointed, but this did determine how much he fancied Sirius. _Maybe this is for the best? Maybe you need some time away from him. Get your feelings in check._

He slowly packed up his laptop and gear, slowly putting his coat on.

Checked his phone one last time, but to no avail.

A few people scoping out the floor noticed him leaving and wandered slowly towards the soon-to-be-empty table, like vultures circling their prey.

Remus sighed. He wasn’t coming.

It stung more than Remus cared to admit. He nodded at the students closing in on the table and made his way towards the stairs.

He walked home in defeat.


	4. The Patriarchy Forced my Hand

“He hasn’t shown up since Tuesday.” Remus was sat at the kitchen table opposite an angry Lily, gripping tightly on her mug as if it were Sirius’ neck she was trying to strangle.

“Rude! That’s just rude! I can’t believe he ghosted you! That’s just... rude!” She was waving her hands round exasperatedly, and she got very close to knocking her mug off the table; it gave Remus anxiety.

Suddenly, his phone started vibrating furiously. They both turned their heads to stare at it; neither of them moved.

Lily snapped first: “Well? Who is it?”

He turned the phone over. His heart lurched. “It’s… it’s Sirius.”

“Hand it here I’m going to give him a piece of-”

Remus picked up the phone and answered the call. “Um. Hello, Sirius.”

Lily had stopped muttering to herself to try her best to eavesdrop on the conversation; Remus self-consciously turned away from her.

“Hey, Rem. Um, I’m sorry about ditching you these past days. I was… uh… busy.”

Remus sighed. That wasn’t exactly what he’d wanted to hear as a way of apology or explanation. Lily looked at him confused.

“Anyway, James is having pres at his before heading to the SU club night tomorrow, I wondered if you wanted to come.”

Remus forced a smile. “Thanks Sirius, but I’m not exactly meant for clubbing. Have you seen me?”

Lily knitted her eyebrows together in confusion.

He could hear the disappointment in Sirius’ voice, and guilt filled his stomach. “Are you sure Re? It might be fun.”

“Sorry Sirius, I’ll pass on this one. Have fun though.”

Remus hung up the phone.

Lily looked at him questioningly, “What did he want?”

“He didn’t really say why he ghosted me and invited me to some party. So, I said no.”

Lily looked confused. “He’s left you on read for three days, you’ve waited to hear anything from him and yet here he is, and you’re still left in the dark. This boy confuses me.”

“He confuses me too Lils.”

They sat in silence; Remus finished off the cold remains of his tea.

Lily looked pensive.

“What’s up?” Remus asked.

“I think…”

“Hm?”

“I think… you should go to the party.”

“What? Why?” Remus spluttered.

“It would be an excuse to talk to Sirius and ask him where he went. Who knows? He might have a valid reason for ghosting you. AND if he does, you can ask him out.”

“But Lilyyyyyyy,” Remus whined. “I don’t like clubbing, and what if he doesn’t feel the same anymore!”

“Dude just rang you to invite you in the first place: he’s still thinking of you.”

Remus faltered: she did have a point. He shook his head. “No. I’m not going. I won’t know anyone other than Sirius and even then, I’ve never been to a club so I’d just embarrass myself. No, I’ll text him on Sunday and hopefully talk to him Monday.”

Lily sighed a long-suffering sigh. She knew when and when not to argue with Remus when he was this stubborn: there was no point in arguing tonight. “Fine, Remus. Ok. We’ll have a film marathon tomorrow night instead.”

True to her word, he and Lily had spent most of Saturday watching films. Remus was trying to enjoy himself, but the disappointment in Sirius’ voice kept replaying in his head: he’d clearly wanted to see him. And Lily was right: he could probe for information if just sucked up his pride and went out…

He took a deep breath and turned to face Lily. “Lily, don’t freak out, but I think I want to go.”

Lily squealed. “You legend! I’ll come too, since you were scared of being alone. I’ll look for tickets in the Chem group chat – there’s usually ones going spare. What are you going to wear?

Remus knotted his brow. “I’m not sure, I didn’t think about that. Probably a jumper and jeans?”

Lily pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. “Not the same jumper you always wear – the one with holes in the neckline?”

Remus looked offended. “I like that jumper! Besides, it’s January. It’s cold. It’s my comfiest jumper!”

Lily grabbed his wrist and dragged him to his feet. “Nope. I’m picking you something.”

She spent half an hour going through his hangers, holding up various shirts and trousers up against his body.

Finally, she decided on an old t-shirt, jacket and jean combo to her liking. “Yeah, you never wear t-shirts. And besides, clubs get warm quickly – you’ll be thanking me when we get there.”

Remus rolled his eyes.

He held the outfit in the mirror: very different to his normal “my ideal Saturday night is by a warm fire with a mug of tea and a good book” aesthetic. What had Sirius called it? The History Student Aesthetic?

White t-shirt, denim jacket, black jeans, and his old faithful Converse – Lily would have to prise those out of his cold dead hands. Basic, but different for him. He’d still freeze, but they could run, or get a taxi.

He had been ready an hour before Lily knocked on his door again.

She looked amazing, because of course she did. She was holding a silver necklace in her hand.

“You look amazing Lils, you want help putting the necklace on?”

She chuckled, shaking her head. “I thought you could wear it.” She dangled it in front of his face: a silver dog tag.

“Um. Lily. Why do you have that?”

“I remembered an old ex-boyfriend left it at mine and I shoved it with the rest of my necklaces, but it would look so cool on you!”

She climbed onto the bed so she could reach the back of his neck. Flinging her arms over his shoulders, she rested her head on his shoulder. “Don’t you think it looks cool?”

Remus had to admit to himself: he looked damn cool.

Completely different, but cool.

“Ok, yeah, Lily. I look cool.”

Lily beamed. “Amazing! I’m gonna grab my trainers, and do you want to do a shot before we leave? For warmth?”

Remus took a deep breath: he was cool. He was Going Out. As his Mum always said: in for a penny, in for a pound. “Sure.”

Three vodka shots later they were in the taxi on the way to the SU.

They didn’t really have a plan of action, and that worried Remus. He just hoped he’d be able to find Sirius in the club, but he doubted it would be easy to find anyone in there.

Lily squeezed his hand. “It’s ok Re, if we don’t see him, it’s a nice night out with your best mate.” She grinned cheekily, and Remus couldn’t help but smile back.

The taxi came to a stop. “And speaking of best mate, can you pay please? I only have my card on me.” She gave him a sweet smile, before turning to the driver. “Thank you!”

She was shivering as he approached the SU doors. Showing his ID to the bouncer, he hurried Lily inside before she caught hypothermia. The queue was long, and full of already-drunk students waiting to show their tickets. They joined the back, behind a small group of lads. 

“He asked for your number you know.” Remus had to shout to be heard over the music blasting from downstairs and from the screams of a few groups of girls up ahead.

“Who did?”

“The driver.”

“What?! You didn’t give him it, right?”

“No, he kept asking if I was your boyfriend, and I said no, but he kept insisting so I ended up saying yes to avoid the agro and so he’d let me get out of the car-” Lily rolled her eyes. “-I’m sorry but he wouldn’t let it go and the dude clearly didn’t respect women enough to just accept that you wouldn’t want to give him your number without a man involved. I’m sorry but the patriarchy forced my hand.”

Lily laughed. “Oh, shut up you dork.”

One of the lads in front had stopped talking to his mate and was now full-on listening to their conversation, staring at Lily the whole time, slightly slack-jawed.

Lily caught this and frowned. “Um. Can I help you?”

That seemed to wake the boy up. “Oh. Sorry. I’m James.” He held out a hand, looking so formal that Lily just had to smile. She took it. “Lily. And this is my friend Remus.”

James looked taken aback. “Remus! Hi! Unusual name! What do you study by chance?”

He and Lily shared a glance. _Strange boy._ “Um, History, why?”

James answered a bit too quickly. “No reason!”

He whispered something in the other boy’s ear. Remus could have sworn he heard the word “Sirius”, but he didn’t believe it: he was probably just hearing things.

“Anyway, sorry. Like I said, I’m James, and this is Pete.”

He pointed to the smaller boy to his left. “Y’a’right?” Pete nodded.

“So, Lily…” James’ attention was firmly on Lily again. He looked smitten already.

Remus’ mind wandered off as they moved steadily up the queue. No sign of Sirius.

He checked his phone: no messages either. Although, there wasn’t great signal, so he doubted he’d get anything at all.

Eventually, they made it through the queue and into the main room. He could feel the music pulsing through the floor as they both made their way to the bar. James bought them all 2 shots, which were received gratefully. Remus threw the shots down the back of his throat, shuddering at the taste. He grinned at Lily, who grinned back. They grabbed another drink and headed to the dance floor.

No Sirius in sight.

Plenty of drinks later, Remus was starting to feel the alcohol reach his head. He felt happy. Pure, unadulterated joy. Here he was, dancing with his best friend, having made new, if slightly strange, friends, listening to music he loved, and he could forget about everything. Exams, Sirius. Everything.

_This is why people Go Out. Because it’s a break from everything. Just music and dancing._

Remus could feel the buzz wearing off, so went up to the bar again for another drink. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched a familiar figure walk through the doors into the room.

Sirius looked hot. _I mean, that’s nothing new_. Black t-shirt, rolled at the sleeves, black curls in a bun, and those Doc Martens. _How does he always look effortlessly cool?_

“Sirius!” Remus tried to yell over the music, but Sirius couldn’t hear him. He hadn’t even seen him.

Remus grunted in frustration. He turned round to pay for his drink.

After a few problems getting his card to scan, he turned back around, ready to confront Sirius.

He wasn’t there. He’d gone; lost in the throngs of people dancing.

He scanned the room, desperate to try and find someone else he recognised. 

He spotted Pete nodding his head to the beat trying to look cool and, unfortunately, failing. James bouncing up and down, with the energy of a hyperactive puppy it seemed. Lily was smiling, clearing enjoying the attention James was giving her. And behind her…

_Oh._

Sirius _._ With his tongue down another girl’s throat.


	5. Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a content warning: there are some homophobic thoughts/internalised homophobia in this chapter.

Four days earlier:

Sirius lay in bed thinking about Remus.

He was doing that a lot recently; it was hard to keep the boy off his mind.

Everywhere, everything, everyone reminded him of Remus.

He couldn’t help it: this boy had wormed his way into Sirius’ psyche and had decided to stay there.

It was a new feeling. Nothing had ever felt as fresh and exciting. He wasn’t used to the butterflies and the inability to hide his grin whenever he thought of him.

Remus.

Did he… _like…_ Remus?

Sure, he showed all the symptoms, but he’d never… _liked…_ a guy before.

His phone buzzed and his heart fluttered - it was probably Remus sending him some witty remark or insulting him and Sirius couldn’t get enough. It was a Pavlov’s dog situation: whenever his phone buzzed, he got butterflies. 

He flipped his phone over and his stomach dropped.

His brother was trying to ring him.

He sat bolt upright, trying to swallow the sudden dread entering his chest.

Regulus _never_ rang him. They hadn’t spoken the entire time Sirius had been at university.

So why now?

He took a deep breath before answering the phone. “Regulus?”

His little brother sounded formal, like he was greeting a client in a business meeting. “Sirius. I hope you are well.”

“And you.” He paused. “Why are you ringing me Reg?”

His brother faulted. “Well, uh, Mother found out some, um, unfortunate news and told me to tell you.”

 _Oh god._ “Okay…?”

Regulus coughed awkwardly, “Cousin Andromeda has married Edward and…” his voice faltered, “and she’s been disowned by the family. We’re not to see her anymore. I’m sorry, Sirius.”

_Oh god oh god._

Sirius couldn’t believe this.

Well, he could, this was entirely something the Black family would do. And everybody knew Andromeda meeting Ted was against what his Aunt and Uncle wanted, but to banish her from the family?

Sirius flopped back down on his bed. He felt horrible, guilt-ridden, frustrated - as if he had any say in the matter. Everybody knew he was hanging on to staying in this family by the skin of his teeth: Regulus was always the favourite. Going away to university was a godsend for him to escape them all, but apparently even at university he was always going to be reminded of who they were - who he was raised to be.

He hated them. He hated them all.

Regulus coughed. “Sirius? Are you there?”

Sirius’ heart broke. This was his little brother: brainwashed into being a copy of his cruel parents. 

And there was nothing he could do to help.

He took a deep breath, hoping the anger would die inside him. “Yeah, I’m here.”

Regulus’ voice quietened to an almost-whisper. “I’m sorry Sirius, I know you were close.”

Sirius closed his eyes. He felt he had an alliance in Andromeda: they were outcasts together. They didn’t want to adhere to what their family had designed.

But she wasn’t part of the family now.

It seemed so final.

“Take care Reg.”

He heard sniffling down the phone. “Goodbye Sirius.”

Sirius ended the call.

He let his phone flop onto the mattress beside him.

_Well, shit._

But, if Andromeda was being disowned for marrying a man below his family’s standards, what would happen if they found out about him and Remus?

Suddenly how he thought about Remus terrified him.

He couldn’t _like_ Remus: he’d never liked guys in the past, this wasn’t _normal_.

Years and years of Black Family brainwashing filled his head: being gay is wrong. Unnatural. Not normal.

He hated his family for making him feel this way, but the thought of what could happen filled him with fear. 

He was terrified of being alone; the thought alone felt like a vice was tightening around his chest. He couldn’t make Regulus go through that family alone: Regulus could still change and make a life for himself outside the borders designed by his parents. Sirius needed to support him.

Anger fuelled by panic filled his veins. 

He wasn’t allowed to be gay.

He couldn’t be gay.

Almost in betrayal, butterflies filled his stomach as he thought of Remus: with his stupid jumpers and the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed and how he always had a retort to whatever Sirius said and his cheekbones and his curls and…

This couldn’t happen anymore.

Sirius decided then and there. He clenched his fist painfully, nails digging into the palm of his hand.

He couldn’t go on seeing Remus: he had to lose the feelings that could cost him his family.

For Regulus’ sake.

He barely slept that night.

He kept thinking of Regulus and his parents…

And Remus.

His body finally gave into exhaustion in the early morning hours. 

He felt groggy and bleary-eyed when his phone buzzed next to his head, waking him up.

**Remus: Hey Sirius, are you coming today?**

**Remus: I’ll buy drinks?**

He swiped to delete the message.

No, he wasn’t going today.

He needed to stop feeling this way about Remus; he needed to stop seeing him.

Remus would get over him; he'd find someone else, someone better. He _deserved_ someone better. 

Someone who wasn't coincidentally terrified of being alone. Someone who wasn’t terrified of discovering who they really were. Someone who wasn't a hypocrite.

Someone that wasn't Sirius.

Tears pricked his eyes: everything was so unfair.

He curled into himself and sobbed.


	6. Emergency Hot Chocolates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thank you to my friend Lois who helped me write this one!

“Hey Sirius? You ok mate?” James was knocking on the door. 

Sirius said nothing. He should have assumed James would appear before long; he knew he’d been here a long time, but he had no idea _how_ long. 

“Mate?”

Sirius turned over in his bed. He didn’t want to speak to James; he didn’t want to speak to anyone. He wanted to curl up in a ball and stop existing.

But, sadly, James Potter wasn’t letting that happen.

“Sirius? I’m worried about you mate.” Genuine concern filled James’ voice.

For a brief moment, Sirius was frozen in place. Whether James noticed or not didn’t particularly matter, what mattered was the overwhelming sense of _guilt_ that seemed to eat him from the inside.

James wouldn’t understand how he felt though. He’d never understand, with his perfect family; he would never have to _choose_. 

But still, Sirius didn’t want him worrying about him.

“I’m fine.” His voice was muffled by the covers.

It was a blatant lie and they both knew it. He could hear James’ footsteps gingerly walking into the room, but Sirius stayed facing the wall. He knew if he took one look at James he’d start crying. He could already feel the familiar strangling sensation in his throat and the sting in his eyes building, _fighting_ to make his true feelings known. 

James perched on the edge of the mattress. 

“Mate, please. Give me something.”

James placed one hand on his shoulder, and that was all it took for the floodgates to open. Huge, painful sobs shook Sirius’ entire body.

James was taken by surprise. “Woah woah ok Sirius, it’s ok.” He pulled Sirius so he sat up, and flung his arms around his shoulders, rubbing comforting circles on his back. 

Sirius just wept. “You wouldn’t understand.”

James sighed. “Even if I don’t, it might help to tell someone.”

Sirius didn’t say anything, and James just let him cry. 

Eventually, the raw, aching sensation deep in his chest faded and his tears began to slow. He didn’t know how long he’d allowed his emotions to make themselves known in front of James, but it felt like an eternity. His hands were shaking ever so slightly, and the redness of his eyes became more prominent. He didn’t know what was more painful: the overthinking, the constant _worrying_ that had led to this situation, or the uncertainty and fear of discovering James’ reaction. 

James shushed him quietly; he didn’t let go of him the whole time.

“Sirius?” James' voice was soft, comforting, with a tinge of worry.

He sniffled but lifted his head.

“I think this calls for Emergency Hot Chocolates.”

Sirius gave a small smile and nodded.

James grinned. He gently pried himself away from Sirius, walked to the door and flung it open, raising his arms to swing on the door jamb. “HEY PETE!”

“WHAT DO YOU WANT?” Pete’s room was only 2 doors down, but James liked to yell.

“YOU STILL GOT ANY BAILEY’S?”

“WHY D’YOU WANT IT?”

“EMERGENCY HOT CHOCOLATES.” 

Pete’s door flung open and there he stood, grinning, bottle in hand. “Oh James, you should’ve said!” 

James turned back to Sirius. They chuckled fondly as they heard Pete clattering about in the kitchen, undoubtedly sacrificing their finest IKEA mugs. But Emergency Hot Chocolates were the worthiest of causes and, besides, what was a mug between friends? 

Sirius and James had come up with the idea of Emergency Hot Chocolates when they were in secondary school, by stealing Bailey’s from James’ parents. Sirius’ parents had been particularly horrible to him, and he’d come round to the Potters’ to escape. Turning up unannounced wasn’t unusual - in fact, Mr Potter had given him a key to the house when he’d turned 15. They all knew of his rough homelife, and the Potters were a second family to him. 

They used too much Baileys in the hot chocolate, but a tradition was born.

“THEY’RE READY!” They were only down the corridor from the kitchen but, evidently, it was too much effort for Pete to walk the 10 steps to knock on their door. 

Sirius stood up. All the blood rushed to his head and the edges of his vision started to buzz. He fell back on the bed. “I should probably eat something...”

James was immediately on high alert. “Ah shit you’re right - I’ll stick a pizza in.” He pulled Sirius gently to his feet and slung his arm around his shoulders. “I’ve got you mate, always have, always will.”

Sirius gulped back his tears; he’d done enough crying for now.

They all sat around the kitchen table, each with their hot chocolate and Sirius with a plate of pizza. There was a comfortable silence while Sirius ate his food. 

Sirius took a deep breath: he had to tell them everything, he needed to get everything off his chest. “So, uh, my brother rang me.”

Neither James nor Pete spoke. They knew Regulus ringing was never going to be good news.

“Uh, do you remember I told you about my cousin who was marrying that dude that my Aunt hated?” 

They both nodded.

“Well, uh, she,” Sirius gulped. “She’s been kicked out of the family.”

Silence fell over the table. Nobody knew what to say.

What _do_ you say to that?

Sirius knew there was no _right_ thing to say. But the atmosphere that descended over the table suggested that that wasn’t the only thing bothering him. 

“That’s… rough, Sirius. I’m sorry mate.” James placed his hand on Sirius’ shoulder and squeezed. “Is that… all that happened?”

Sirius took a long sip of his hot chocolate and took a deep breath. Now he’d have to tell them about Remus.

“Well, uh, so, uh, I might have met this guy…”

Pete’s eyes boggled out of his skull. “Wait, Sirius, you’re _gay_?”

He could hear James kick Pete under the table. “I was only asking…” Pete muttered.

Sirius chuckled humourlessly. “Yeah, I think, I’m not sure, but I know I, well, uh, _like_ , this dude...”

James looked like an excitable puppy. “Dude! That’s great! Who is he? What’s his name?!”

Sirius dropped his head. “It doesn’t matter - I can’t be with him. Andromeda got kicked from the family for being the ‘wrong kind of straight’ - what do you think would happen if I came home with a bloke?”

James’ smile fell. “Oh, Sirius.”

Sirius put his head on the table and gave a deep sigh. It was still unfair, but at least he told someone.

The silence that fell over the table was deafening and uncomfortable.

After a while, Pete took a loud sip of his hot chocolate. “No offence Sirius, but why do you give a fuck what they think?”

He could hear James take a sharp intake of breath. “Pete!” He hissed.

Sirius lifted his head slightly to look at him. 

Pete continued. “They’re in London. You’re here. You never hear from them, you barely go back to theirs anyway, and if you do you spend more time at James’...”

James still looked at him incredulously; Pete carried on: “Like, I know you think you have to choose your family or yourself, but… I don’t think your family is even a choice at this point. You’ve pretty much moved out anyway.”

“But, what about Regulus? I can’t leave him!”

James puffed out a sigh, finally catching on to what Pete was saying. “But Sirius, it’s not entirely your responsibility to look after him. If he decides to follow your family, there’s not a lot you can do.”

“But they’ve brainwashed him! He’s better than that!” Sirius stuttered.

“Then don’t lose contact with him! Ring him more often! Make sure he knows you’re there!”

Sirius didn’t know what to say, do, feel. He knew James and Pete were right: he shouldn’t have to choose. His parents weren’t a part of him anymore and hadn’t been for a long time. 

“Besides mate, you’re not at home anymore, you’re here with us! _We’re_ your family now!” James beamed, once again adopting the personality of a golden retriever. His encouraging smile was contagious as he gestured around the table toward where Pete seemed rather engrossed in watching the whipped cream dissolve into his hot chocolate. “Right Pete?”

Pete was jolted out of his daydream. “Uh… yeah.”

James continued: “And we don’t care who you like as long as they don’t fuck you over because then they’ll have us to deal with, right Pete?”

Pete had gone back to watching his hot chocolate. 

Sirius wouldn’t have been able to wipe the smile off his face if he’d tried. His friends had his back. They always had, and they evidently weren’t going to stop now. Honestly, his parents could go fuck themselves. His friends didn’t care about status, they had no _reason_ to care about it. His friends cared about _him_ . Not about what he could give them, not about what he could do for them, just _him_ for who _he_ was. 

And it was time for him to care about himself too. As his friends had said: his family weren’t in control of who he was. He liked Remus, and he was going to invite him out.


	7. You're just being a dramatic son of a-

“Is he tall?”

“Kinda.”

“Is he fit?”

Sirius felt the blush creeping up his face. “He’s… attractive, sure.” 

James wiggled his eyebrows. “Oh, so he’s _fit_.”

Sirius hit him with the cushion he’d been hugging to his chest. “Would you shut up?”

“What does he study?” Pete entered the conversation, turning his head away from the TV for the first time in an hour.

“History.”

“Ugh, boring.” He turned back to the TV.

Sirius rolled his eyes. “That’s what you said about English. And French, now I think about it.”

Pete scoffed. “Yeah, why pay 9 grand for something Google Translate can do in 30 seconds.”

Sirius pretended to look offended. “Pour La Culture! And like you can talk - your course is just ‘How to use a calculator 101’!”

Pete snorted. “Oh shut up man, Maths is a hell of a lot more useful than English and you know it.”

James interrupted before they started on him. “Anyway, what’s this guy’s name?”

“Uh… Remus.”

“Huh. You can get him to join the Weird Name Club.” James giggled, narrowly dodging a powerful thwack from Sirius and his cushion. “Stop hitting me Sirius, you know I’m right!” He laughed, turning back towards the TV. 

They sat in silence for about five minutes, before James piped up again. “How long has your thing with _Remus_ -” he placed special emphasis on the name, causing Sirius to roll his eyes, “-been going on for?”

 _Great_. More questions.

Sirius paused and rubbed the back of his neck self-consciously. “Uh, I met him about a month ago.”

James froze. “A MONTH?!” He slapped his forehead. “Oh my God I’m an idiot… all those times you were smiling at your phone… it was with this dude… and I just thought you were just looking at memes on Twitter.”

Sirius snorted. “To be fair though, Remus did send me this great video…” He pulled out his phone and started scrolling through a seemingly endless screen of messages.

“Jesus Christ I’ve been blind this whole time…” James muttered.

Suddenly, he gasped. “EVERYBODY STOP!”

Pete almost jumped out of his seat at the same time that Sirius almost dropped his phone. “For fuck’s sake James.”

“Yeah - what the fuck was that James?” 

“I HAVE AN IDEA.”

Pete and Sirius looked at each warily. James with an idea was a dangerous prospect.

“I PROPOSE… pause for dramatic effect………… we go out.”

Pete rolled his eyes and chuckled. “Is that fucking it?”

James huffed. “Don’t doubt my brilliance Pete - this is a special night out: a ‘we need to cheer Sirius up’ night out.”

They both looked at Sirius expectantly. Sirius shrugged. “Uh, yeah, sure. Why not?”

James pumped his fist in the air. “Get in! Ok, so, Saturday, we hold pre-drinks round ours, then head out? We could invite a bunch of people....” he paused, looking at Sirius cheekily, “...you could invite Remus….?”

Sirius almost choked. “Um. What? Or I couldn’t do that?”

“Why noooooot?” James whined. “I-'' Pete cleared his throat. “ _We_ want to meet him!”

“Because I’ve ghosted the guy for 2 days, it’s embarrassing to go crawling back to him now...”

This warranted James to whack Sirius with a cushion - the same one Sirius had thrown at him: his own weapon was being used against him. “Sirius! What are you doing ghosting the guy for?! You like him, don’t you?”

“I mean, yeah, but I thought, with the whole _family thing_ , he could do better.” He lowered his head. “He _should_ do better.”

James whacked Sirius with the cushion again. “Stop-” _Thwack._ “Being-” _Thwack_ . “So-” _Thwack_ . “Self-” _Thwack._ “Deprecating!” Extra hard thwack.

He threw the cushion to the other side of the room dramatically, while Sirius rubbed his arm. Pete laughed at Sirius’ pain; Sirius shot him a dirty look. James continued: “Nevertheless! If you invite him, maybe he’d say yes! By the sounds of it, he likes you back.” He ignored Sirius’ splutters. “You deserve to be happy Sirius, and I know this would make you happy - _he_ would make you happy.” 

“Yeah…” Sirius puffed out a sigh. “Yeah you’re right. I want to see him again. Should I message him?”

“No!” James whacked him with yet another cushion.

“Ok where the _fuck_ are you getting these cushions from…?” 

James took a calming breath, ignoring him. “He at least deserves to hear you ask him - you need to ring him.”

“Fine. I’ll do it when I wake up tomorrow. He’ll probably be asleep by now.” 

Honestly, Sirius’ heart jumped at the thought of hearing Remus’ voice again. He’d hated the past 48 hours: he’d grown dependent on Remus for normality and to make him smile. He wanted him back. He wanted a reason to smile again. 

He stayed awake longer than he expected that night. He was nervous about ringing Remus: what if he’d messed things up? What if James’ plan didn’t work? What if Remus wasn’t even _gay_?

He ended up waking up past midday.

He wandered into the kitchen, where he found James already sat, still in his pyjamas, dressing gown and slippers. James turned from the sofa like an excited puppy. “Have you rung him yet?!”

Sirius winced. “Gimme a chance mate, I’ve just woken up.” He paused from pouring his cereal and lifted an eyebrow at James. “Aren’t you supposed to be in a Geography seminar right now?”

James looked sheepish. “Yes. But I woke up late and couldn’t be arsed.”

Sirius chuckled. “Fair enough. And like I’m one to talk: I missed all Wednesday and Thursday.” He brought his bowl of Coco Pops to the table and checked his phone for the thousandth time: Remus hadn’t messaged him. He wasn’t expecting him to, honestly, but he always hoped. It would give Sirius an excuse not to ring him.

James sprung up from the sofa. “Welp. I’m going to my room. If you wanted to ring anyone while the kitchen was empty, now is the time to do it…” He stared pointedly at Sirius as he left the room.

“Dramatic bugger.” Sirius muttered under his breath.

He took a calming breath in, counting to 4. He could feel his heart rate rising as he tried to find the courage to press the call button.

3 counts of 4 later, he took the plunge.

It was ringing. His heart was in his mouth and he could feel his hands shaking.

After what seemed like an eternity, Sirius heard that familiar voice he was longing to hear. “Um. Hello, Sirius.”

Sirius felt his chest tighten slightly. “Hey, Rem. Um, I’m sorry about ditching you these past days. I was… uh… busy.” Sirius cringed as soon as he said that. Remus deserved to hear the truth, but he wanted to tell him in person. To gauge his reaction. To take the rejection on the chin.

He could hear Remus sigh, and he felt the guilt rise in his stomach. His nerves couldn’t handle the silence that followed. “Uh, anyway, James is having pre-drinks at his before heading to the SU club night tomorrow, I wondered if you wanted to come.”

A short pause before Remus replied. He could hear the strained smile in his voice. “Thanks Sirius, but I’m not exactly meant for clubbing. Have you seen me?”

_Yes I have, and I want to see you again and again and again and again and…._

_Oh_. Sirius could barely mask his disappointment. “Are you sure Re? It might be fun.”

“Sorry Sirius, I’ll pass on this one. Have fun though.” Remus hung up the phone.

It felt like Sirius had been punched in the stomach.

He’d blown it. Remus hated him.

He’d had a little tantrum and now he’d blown it. 

_He really liked Remus. And now he’d blown it._

James entered the kitchen again. “Well…?”

“He’s not coming.” Sirius spat, bitterness laced on his tongue.

James’ face fell. “Oh. Well. Uh. Maybe the party will cheer you up, and you can message him on Sunday?”

“Don’t bother James, it’s ok - he’ll find someone else easily. I’ll just have to move on with it.” Sirius huffed, stomping out of the room.

“Sirius, I’m sure it’s not that bad. You’re just being a dramatic son of a-”

He was cut off by Sirius slamming his bedroom door.

He spent the rest of the day in bed, feeling sorry, angry, frustrated for himself.

James knocked on his door that evening. “Hey man, I know you’re in a bad mood, but I’m about to order pizza and I wanted to know...”

Sirius shook his head. “James, I’m not in a ‘bad mood’” he mimed quotation marks, “I’m just annoyed about how everything has gone. I really like Remus, and now I feel I’ve fucked it.”

James sat on Sirius’ bed and placed one hand on his shoulder. “Have you tried messaging him?”

Sirius shook his head sadly. “I doubt he wants to hear from me, if I’m being honest.”

James knew better than to argue. Sirius was feeling sad. And at the minute, he just wanted to feel sorry for himself; James respected that.

“In which case, my original offer still stands: I’m ordering pizza - you in?”

Sirius barked a small laugh. “Yeah man, pepperoni please.” Then quietly, “Thanks man.” He meant it - James was always there, whether it was offering him pizza when he was sad, or calming him when he was frustrated. He was incredibly lucky to have a friend like him, and he took it for granted sometimes.

James smiled. “Don’t mention it. I bet Pete will want some too...”

All of a sudden, Pete’s face appeared at Sirius’ open door. “Yeah I’ll have a BBQ Meat Feast please.”

James jumped. “Pete - where the _fuck_ did you come from?”

Pete smirked. “I heard pizza was being bought.”

James shook his head. “You’ve got to stop just appearing Pete - it scares the shit out of me.”

Sirius rolled his eyes fondly. He loved these two idiots.

To their credit, neither Pete nor James mentioned the party or Remus that evening. They played video games (Sirius absolutely annihilated them both at Mario Kart, much to James’ annoyance), yelled along to music and tried to make Midnight Pancakes, which resulted in the fire alarm going off at one in the morning. Needless to say they ended the night with the title of _‘Most Annoying Neighbours’_. 

Nobody stirred until mid-afternoon the next day.

Sirius turned over, not wanting to leave the comfort and warmth of his own bed. He could hear the faint mumblings of the TV in the kitchen - James was always the first one to wake up. 

He _knew_ he should go out with his mates, he _knew_ it would cheer him up, but he didn’t want to go if Remus wasn’t there.

 _Remus_.

James was right, he probably _was_ being dramatic, but he couldn’t help fearing the worst.

Sirius had heard his sigh: Remus was annoyed with him.

Did he have any solid, concrete proof of this? No. But he could feel it and, truth be told, Remus had every right to be annoyed with him. He’d be annoyed with him too. He should have told him why he was MIA, but, truthfully, he was scared of Remus’ reaction. His fucked up family was enough to put anybody off. 

He’d blown it.

And he’d tried so hard. Remus had caught his eye the minute he’d walked up to the top floor of the library, and it was by pure fate that there was a spare seat at his table. And that entire first day he was just waiting to be able to talk to the man - did he not know Sirius was trying to flirt with him? He thought he’d made it pretty obvious. 

Talking to Remus was so _easy_. Like he didn’t have to think about anything. And the flirting came easily too. Too easily. He’d fallen for Remus that first day. Everything in him had wanted to make Remus smile. His laughter would leave Sirius on a natural high for days.

He missed it. He missed _him_. 

_Remus. Remus. Remus._

He heard a small knock on the door, shaking him out of his thoughts. It had barely registered before James - without waiting for an answer - poked his head into the room. “Uh, hi Sirius. We’re all about to head out soon, so I was wondering if you were coming?”

Sirius sighed.

Truthfully, he didn’t want to move. He just wanted to get lost in his thoughts and bury himself in his covers and never leave.

“No thanks mate, I’m going to leave this one out.” He waved halfheartedly at a pile of books on his desk. “Got lectures to catch up on.”

James looked disappointed. Sirius felt a twinge of guilt. “Fair enough mate, have a good night.”

“Yeah - you too.”

He heard the door close gently.

Sirius reached over to his desk, trying to muster up any motivation to catch up on what he’d missed. 

He opened the first book he found and disinterestedly opened to the first page. 

His eyes skimmed over the pages but the words weren’t going into his head: he couldn’t stop his brain from thinking.

He felt guilty leaving his friends like that. 

He knew they’d be fine, but they’d suggested tonight for him, and he didn’t want to let them down...

Fuck it. He was going to go. He’d have a fun night out with his mates. He wasn’t going to accomplish anything by just laying in bed.

Besides, he needed to be there to make Pete and James look cool - they were hopeless otherwise. Who would be their wingman in their rarely successful attempts to dance with girls?

 _Besides_ , a voice piped up at the back of his mind. _Remus might be there_.

He took a quick shower, letting the warm water calm his nerves. Remus probably wouldn’t be there, but this was to cheer him up, and he wanted to be cheered up.

Half an hour later, Sirius found himself standing in front of the mirror in his room, a multitude of shirts sprawled haphazardly across his bed. Neither one was all too different compared to the last, just slightly different shades, slightly different fabrics and slightly different patterns. On an ordinary night he wouldn’t have particularly _cared_ which shirt he wore. He certainly wouldn’t have had rejected shirts laid in all corners of his room. But he needed to make an effort tonight, didn’t he? It was _his_ ‘cheering-up’ night out. He wanted to look and feel good. 

Moreover, he needed to look good, in case, by some miracle, _he_ showed up. In case, by some miracle, he got to see _Remus._

He laced up his Doc Martens, and tied his hair up haphazardly. He took a quick look in the mirror: decent.

He checked his phone quickly: no new messages. He thought about ringing James to let him know he was coming, but he thought against it. The signal was crap at the SU and, besides, Sirius liked the drama of an unexpected entrance.

His heart was racing before he even left the flat. The likelihood was Remus wasn’t even there, so he shouldn’t get excited in case he was. 

This was a night out with his friends. Like countless times before. 

He grabbed his jacket and headed out. 

The queue was long and noisy when he got there.

He flashed his ID and ticket, and made his way into the first room. His eyes scanned the floor, but it was dark and crowded: he could barely tell one person from the next.

He felt the room pulsing under his feet, and he smiled at the familiarity of it. He checked his phone again to message James and ask where he was, but no signal.

He made his way to the bar; he was too sober to be here.

He ordered shots, knocking back each one in quick succession.

Suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder.

He spun around, hoping to see a lanky, curly-haired boy, but instead seeing a tall, blonde-haired girl: Marlene, from his course. He tried to mask his disappointment. 

She brought her arms up to give him an over-exaggerated hug, bringing her mouth to his ear so he could hear her over the music. She was slurring her words. “Sirius! It’s so good to see you!”

He smiled, returning the hug. “Marlene! You’re very drunk!”

She giggled. “I am!! Here,” she shoved past him to the bar. “I’m going to buy you a drink!” She turned to the poor student behind the bar. “Two double vodka lemonades please!”

Sirius laughed. He liked Marlene: they always partnered up to do French conversation together. 

He took the drink gratefully.

“Sirius!” She grabbed his arm. “You have to come dance with us!”

He let himself be pulled along into the middle of the dance floor. Marlene pointed at another girl in their little circle of friends. “This is my girlfriend! Her name is Dorcas!” She sounded like a child, and Sirius could feel her hot, drunk breath against his cheek. 

Dorcas looked fondly at Marlene, taking her hand and pulling her close to dance. 

Sirius chuckled to himself, before finally allowing himself to loosen up and _dance_.

They danced in the main room for a long time. Sirius could feel the drinks now - his vision was swaying slightly, but he didn’t care. He was having fun. 

Marlene and Dorcas were fun, and kept him heavily supplied with drinks, which he couldn’t complain about.

After a while, Dorcas pulled Marlene close to her to say something in her ear. Thus the game of Chinese whispers began; Marlene leant in close to speak to Sirius: “Dorcas wants to go into the room with the old songs - are you coming too?”

Sirius nodded, taking Marlene’s hand as she was dragged by Dorcas through the throngs of dancing people.

Marlene let go of Sirius’ hand as they entered through the doors, running to make a request at the DJ booth. Sirius chuckled, following the pair.

They danced for a bit, shouting along to the lyrics. Marlene was screaming louder than all three of them, and Dorcas was smiling at her affectionately.

After a while, Dorcas signalled that she was going to the bar, and Sirius leant in close to ask her to grab him one too. She gave a thumbs up, before turning away and shoving her way through the hordes of students. 

Marlene was facing him now, dancing with an energy he didn’t think anybody but James could muster. She leant into his ear, placing her arms around his shoulders: “I’m _really_ drunk!”

Sirius laughed, “I know you are-”

Before he could register it happening, Marlene’s lips were on his.

The alcohol in his system delayed his reaction.

_What is happening? This feels wrong. This isn’t Remus. Marlene has a girlfriend. This is wrong._

He pulled away, to find James yelling at him. Where had James come from? “Sirius! What the _fuck_ was that?”

He caught a figure out of the corner of his eye.

Remus. Stood at the edge of the crowd, barely registering the drink he’d just dropped, unable to disguise the look of hurt on his face.

_Remus._

_No._

_Oh shit oh fuck oh shit._

If looks could kill, the red-headed girl would have had Sirius dead on the floor in seconds. The girl - who Sirius guessed was Lily, who Remus had mentioned countless times - turned to Remus, grabbing him by the shoulders and pushing him out of the room. 

Suddenly, Sirius was stone cold sober. He couldn’t stop looking in despair. What had he done? How had he managed to fuck this up so badly?

Remus looked back once, catching his eye. The shock and betrayal was clear in his face. 

Sirius stared back, the dread piling in the pit of his stomach. 

He couldn’t hear James anymore; the music faded to a dull throb. He stared until Remus’ figure became lost in the sea of drunk students. As Remus left the room, Sirius knew that the image of complete and utter despair on his face would forever be etched into the deepest corners of his psyche. 

  
_Now_ he’d blown it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Please leave feedback and comments down below :))
> 
> Also big thanks to my friend who helped me finish this chapter lol


	8. The Talking Cushion

Remus woke up with a start.

It was almost as if he could still smell the booze and sweat of that night. He could see Sirius’ face in his mind’s eye: the look of horror and regret.

His brain had been torturing him a lot recently. 

He should have known he wasn’t into him - a guy like Sirius into some nerd like Remus?

Perhaps he was the foolish one after all. How could he have ever thought that Sirius would be interested in _him_? That sort of thing happened in sappy rom-coms, not to people like him.

No, he should never have got his hopes up.

He was Normal. With a Capital N.

He sighed, turning on his side. He glanced at the clock: it was 3am.

He knew he wouldn’t be getting back to sleep for a while, so got up and wandered to the kitchen. He tried to boil the kettle as quietly as he could, grabbing a tea bag from the top shelf. While he let the tea steep, he tiptoed to the window looking out onto the street.

Everything was so peaceful at 3am. It would have been poetic had his head been as quiet as the world outside. 

It wasn’t constructive - it was self-destructive, in fact - to replay the same 2 minutes over and over in his head; he did know that.

And he shouldn’t feel as jealous and hurt as he did: Sirius and him weren’t together. But he thought they were special. He thought Sirius thought the same.

But that, clearly, wasn’t the case. Maybe he was trying to let Remus down gently. That definitely would explain the ghosting: he realised Remus was getting too close, and wanted him to back off.

Remus sighed, padding back towards the kettle. He added the sugar and milk, watching the tea swirl in the mug. He grabbed the nearest teaspoon, and mindlessly began stirring. All the while being unable to stop thinking about him, and how much it had hurt. _Goddamnit Sirius._

He was so lost in thought that he didn’t even notice Lily come in.

She cleared her throat, shocking Remus out of his daydream and causing him to almost drop his spoon. “Oh, hi Lils, uh, sorry if I woke you.”

She shook her head. “No, don’t apologise. I thought I heard someone come in here. You ok?”

It was now Monday, and Remus hadn’t been himself for the remainder of the weekend. He’d been quiet, he hadn’t been eating properly, and spent a lot more time in his room. It seemed he was running on tea and not a lot else, and he knew it was worrying Lily.

“Yeah, I’m ok - just couldn’t sleep.” He shrugged, squeezing the tea bag against the side of his mug so as to avoid eye contact with her.

She hugged him from behind, placing her head against his back. “You sure?”

Remus sighed. He hated worrying Lily, but truth be told, he wasn’t ok. He felt nauseous all the time, and couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think straight. Every time he closed his eyes lately, all he could see was _him_ kissing _her._ He’d been unable to do anything Sunday except lie in his bed and cry. 

And it made no sense because _he and Sirius weren’t together._ They never had been. They were, evidently, never going to be. Remus just had to accept it and move on. But that was easier said than done. _Especially_ when one of his favourite spots on campus was tainted by a certain _handsome stranger._

“Remus. Sit down.” Lily was now making herself a cup of tea (although she probably needed something stronger if they were going to have this conversation) and there was a stern edge to her voice.

“Um, why?”

“If you won’t willingly talk to me, I’ll force you to. I’ll use the bloody talking cushion if I have to.”

Remus knew better than to argue; he sat himself at the table quickly.

Lily took her time stirring her drink, all the while Remus was getting nervous.

She sat down. “Remus? How do you feel?”

He scoffed. “What are you, my bleeding therapist?”

“If I was your therapist, I wouldn’t be allowed to hit you.” She stood up and picked up one of the cushions off the floor by the sofa - the ‘Talking Cushion’. It was named as such after Lily and Remus got into an argument about who was going to clean the bathroom, and the only way they could have a civilised conversation was by taking it in turns to hold the cushion and talk. Now, it was being used as a weapon. 

She whacked Remus on the arm with it.

“Ow.” Remus rubbed his arm self-consciously. Lily was a strong proponent of tough love. Often seeming like scary-and-I’m-not-sure-if-this-is-loving-but-it’s-got-good-intentions love. 

“That didn’t hurt, don’t be such a wimp. I’ll hit you again if you don’t let me help you. Now Remus, I’m not going to ask again: How. Do. You. Feel?”

Remus sighed again; he was doing a lot of that lately. “First of all, please don’t hit me again. Second, um, well, it hurt. On Saturday. Seeing, um, _that_.”

Lily nodded. “Go on.”

Remus gulped. “Because I really liked him, and I thought he liked back, y’know? Like we talked all the time, and then he ghosted me out of nowhere which stung because I thought he was trying to get rid of me. Then he rang me, and I wonder if that was him giving me a second chance? Like he was giving me a second shot to see if I was compatible with him or something? So maybe it’s my fault for saying no? Like what if that was my last chance and I fucked it? Like what if he gave me that one more chance not to be boring or something and I said no and he decided I wasn’t worth the time? Maybe he had that girlfriend all this time and didn’t see me as more than a friend?” Remus’ voice was getting higher and more frantic; he was waving his hands around. He was on the verge of crying again. 

Lily put her hand on Remus’ arm to calm him. “Ok, Remus. Deep breaths. In for 4, hold for 4, out for 4.”

He followed Lily’s instruction, gradually feeling his heart rate slow.

After a few breaths, Lily squeezed his hand. “Remus, you’ve done _nothing wrong._ Never blame yourself for what happened, ok? It’s not your fault.”

Remus nodded his head. He knew that, logically. But logic rarely made itself known in Remus’ mind: he couldn’t stop ruminating on what could have happened. What if he’d immediately said yes to going to the club with Sirius? What if he didn’t go to the club at all? What if he didn’t see Sirius kissing that girl? 

God it would have been so much easier if he’d chosen a different spot in the library that day. He said as much to Lily.

“Yeah, you can think of it like that, because it hurts now, but you’ve been so happy for the past month. Would you want to give that up?”

She was right. She was _always_ right. It was annoying, really. 

This _had_ been one of the best months that he had ever had. New and exciting and like he had to pinch himself to know it was actually real.

Was he really about to allow one handsome stranger to ruin that? There would be other handsome people, other strangers - campus was full of them. He couldn’t let _him_ ruin his university experience, he _wouldn’t_.

Unless Sirius planned to pay his student loan, of course. Because no handsome stranger was worth wasting £9,250. 

Lily gave him a small smile. He mirrored one back.

“Feeling better now Remus?”

Truthfully, he did. It still hurt him to think about, but Lily had changed his outlook on things. He knew time would heal, and he’d find someone else. “Yeah, thanks Lily.”

“No problem.” She looked at him sternly. “Now go to bed.”

Remus chuckled slightly, standing up to put their mugs in the sink. They wandered down the corridor leading from the kitchen. 

“Honestly, thank you Lily.” Remus whispered.

“I’m glad you’re ok.” Lily whispered back, pulling him into a warm hug.

Remus slept soundly that night.

* * *

11pm. 12am. 1am. 2am. 3am. 

Sirius puffed a sigh from his cheeks. He’d been tossing and turning all night and he once again found himself awake and staring at the ceiling. Even in the dark, he could have sworn that he saw Remus’ horrified expression looking back at him. He huffed out a sigh before turning to look at his phone. 4am. _Great._

He hadn’t been able to sleep when he got back on Saturday, and he hadn’t been able to get a full night’s sleep since. It was Monday night: 2 days had passed since it happened, but that night was still all Sirius could think about. 

On Saturday, he’d had to be practically dragged home by James from the SU; he’d felt completely numb. They hadn’t spoken the entire way home, or when they were back at the flat. Sirius was thankful for that; he wasn’t confident he would’ve been able to talk with either crying or yelling. James had left him at his bedroom door with a quiet “goodnight, Sirius.” Sirius didn’t respond. 

He hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything.

He hadn’t even realised that he’d made his way into the bathroom and started to brush his teeth until he glanced up at the small mirror hanging above the sink. For a brief moment, all he could see was Remus’ face staring back at him.

Then he found himself alone, half-dressed and with toothpaste staining his chin. 

He hadn’t bothered getting changed for bed: he’d just flopped on his mattress and curled under the covers. He couldn’t hide from his mind anymore. 

Sirius turned to face the ceiling again. He was sick of his mind torturing him: he just wanted to sleep. He thought about the 9am seminar he was meant to have in the morning, then chuckled humourlessly to himself: he wouldn’t be going to that.

He hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. He hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone, especially not _Remus._ Even when he’d ghosted him, he’d thought that he was doing the right thing, the best thing for Remus. That he was _protecting_ Remus from Sirius himself: a boy who hadn’t quite figured out who he was yet _._ And even when James had convinced him otherwise, he’d briefly thought that he had a chance. That he had a _real_ chance at happiness, just being able to be himself, his family be damned.

Hindsight was a beautiful thing, and now Sirius couldn’t help but replay that night over and over. It was obvious that Remus went to the club looking for him; he went out of his way to do something he didn’t want to do, solely to find Sirius. And this was how Sirius repaid him.

His chest felt tight. With guilt, regret or remorse - he wasn’t quite sure yet. Then again, perhaps those emotions were all one and the same in the end. 

He curled even tighter into himself, digging his fingernails into his palms. He desperately wanted it all to go away, but his mind wasn’t letting him. Torturing him, forcing him to remember, making him relive that night over and over and over again. Making him despise himself and what he’d done.

His throat grew tighter and tighter, constricting him. Threatening to strangle him, making it harder and harder to ignore until his eyes began to sting for what must have been the third time that morning alone. His chest grew ever tighter, almost painfully so _._

It was with a heart-wrenching sob that he finally broke. The flood gates opened and the feeble walls that he’d spent the last couple of days building, crumbled around him. Sobs wracked his body, and perhaps the only saving grace he still had was sheer emotional and physical exhaustion. Sleep was all he wanted; all he needed. 

He eventually passed out, just as the early morning sun was beginning to peep through his bedroom curtains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy reading this!  
> Please leave feedback/comments below. They honestly make my week :))


	9. In for 4. Hold for 4. Out for 4...

Sirius padded his way into the kitchen. He hadn’t bothered getting dressed; he’d barely left his room recently, let alone the flat. 

It wasn’t an exaggeration to say he’d felt better.

He grabbed a bowl from the cupboard. He didn’t feel like eating, but he knew it was “necessary for human survival” as James had told him.

He sat, bowl of Coco Pops on the table in front of him, mindlessly scrolling his phone - anything to try and stop his brain from thinking.

Truthfully, he was sick of feeling like this. He felt nauseous all the time, as the guilt ate away at his stomach. He barely slept, only giving into exhaustion in the early morning hours. He skipped lectures - although Marlene, as way of apology, was taking notes for him in French, which he was grateful for. But most of all, he missed Remus.

James walked into the kitchen whistling - he looked the exact antithesis of how Sirius felt.

“What are you so happy about?” Sirius asked, barely looking up from his phone.

“Well, Sirius, my dear, dear friend. I have a date.”

Sirius lifted one eyebrow. “Do I know them?”

“Not personally.”

Sirius snorted lightly. “You’re not going to tell me who she is, are you?”

James was practically skipping across the kitchen to pour himself a coffee. “Nope!”

Sirius smiled to himself, going back to his mindless scrolling.

James plonked himself down on the sofa at the other end of the room. He stayed quiet for a bit, but he couldn’t stand the silence for long. “So… Sirius. Got any plans for today?”

“Wallow in self-pity. Hate myself a bit. Think of how I fucked everything up. Repeat.”

James sighed. “You still feel like shite?”

Sirius turned to look at him. “How can I not? It may not technically be cheating but I still feel like I did. And it wasn’t even my fault, but I can’t talk to him - like he’ll want to talk to me now.” He felt tears prickling the back of his eyes, so he hastily placed his bowl in the sink, ready to leave the kitchen. He’d done enough crying in front of James.

“Hey Sirius, wait.” James placed one hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Why don’t you… why don’t you _try_ talking to him. Remus seemed like a decent guy when I met him, maybe he’ll hear you out?”

Anxiety clawed at Sirius’ insides. He bit at his lip. “But… but what if he doesn’t?”

“Then that’s his loss and you can at least say you tried. Besides,” he gave Sirius an encouraging smile. “We’ll deal with that if it happens.”

He placed one hand on each of Sirius’ shoulders, looking him square in the face. “You are Sirius fucking Black. You like this dude, and he clearly likes you. The least he deserves is an explanation, and it’ll help you to get it off your chest.”

Sirius nodded. James was right, annoyingly. Remus deserved an explanation, and Sirius wanted to talk to him. If Remus said no after he explained everything, Sirius would just have to deal with that. 

He turned, making his way to his bedroom.

“Oh! And Sirius!” James called. Sirius turned back to the kitchen. “Maybe take a shower before you go. And also your breath is rank.”

Sirius turned, flipping him the bird as he dramatically swung open his bedroom door.

He was going to do this: he was going to talk to Remus.

The first time he tried to find Remus, he got all the way to the library doors. He’d stood in front of them for an embarrassing length of time, ignoring the strange looks from students entering and leaving. 

His heart raced a mile a minute. He could feel his legs shaking.

He placed one hand on the door, but shook his head - he couldn’t do it. 

He turned around and walked home.

James had chastised him, of course. 

But he just couldn’t do it: his nerves had got the better of him.

James had scoffed: “Yeah but you’re _Sirius Black_. One of the most pretentious sods I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, and also one of the most stubborn people in the world. That’s a shite excuse mate.”

Sirius knew James was right: he needed to see Remus again. He had to put his mind to it, because once he did, there was no going back.

He agreed to try again the next day.

The second time was more successful: he got all the way to the 4th floor, huffing and panting after taking the stairs two by two, running on pure adrenaline.

But no sign of Remus.

He’d stood awkwardly at the top of the stairs for a few minutes, making absolutely sure Remus wasn’t here.

It made very little sense that he would be, but Sirius wouldn’t know where else to look for him.

He arrived back at the flat deflated and miserable, to greet an annoyingly curious James in the kitchen. “No sign.”

James pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Suddenly he clicked his fingers. _If cartoons were real, James would have a lightbulb above his head right now_ , Sirius thought. 

“I’m going to ring Lily.”

Sirius frowned. “Lily? Remus’ friend? Since when have you known her?”

“We met when we went out. You know, when Remus came to make it up with you and you decided to make out with that random girl...”

Sirius whacked him on the arm. “Yes, I get it - I’m a terrible human being. As if I don’t already know it.”

James had the nerve to look sheepish. 

Sirius prodded him. “Why are you ringing Lily?”

“Well, if anyone’ll know where Remus will be, it’ll be her. AND if I sweet talk her a bit, she might convince him to meet up with you in the first place.” 

It was worth a shot. “Sure. Although I don’t think she’s in the _best_ mood with me...”

James snorted. “Oh no, she hates you.”

Seeing the stricken look on Sirius’ face, James hurried to speak again: “I mean, she does at the minute. But I’ll explain things a bit - trust me.”

It really was a sorry state of affairs if he was trusting _James_ with his love life.

He sighed. “Fine, mate. Go for it. But please, _please_ don’t mess this up.”

James waved him away. “Trust me brother.” He walked into his room, closing the door. 

Sirius tried staying quiet in the hallway, attempting to eavesdrop but gave up pretty quickly. He needed to get his mind off things, so attempted to read over some of the notes Marlene had made for him. Not that he could concentrate.

It seemed an eternity until he heard the knock on his door. He practically ran to answer it, but pulled himself together at the last minute and took a deep breath. He opened the door to James, who was bouncing up and down. “She said she would talk to Remus! She’s going to convince him to meet you.”

Sirius' heart lurched. _He’d done it. Somehow, James had done it. He had a chance._ “Do you think she can do it?”

James stopped bouncing and scoffed: “Dude, Lily is an immovable force. She’ll drag him there if she has to.”

Sirius took a deep breath as he faced the final set of stairs. Lily had messaged him the exact time and place, and he could feel the threat, even if it wasn’t written in the message. 

The threat of: _hurt my best friend, and I hurt you._

Sirius gulped. He looked down at the two paper mugs he held in each hand, ignoring the slow burn spreading through his fingers.

A lot was riding on this. He wanted Remus _back_. He missed him. 

Of course, Sirius hated how it made him feel: sappy and romantic; like he finally understood the quotes from the crappy rom-com films he and James used to watch ‘ironically’. 

As he was trying to calm his nerves, a voice sounding suspiciously like his mother piped up from the back of his mind, ever present: _this is wrong. You are wrong_. It was almost like his family were purposefully weaving their tainted views into his mind. He’d lived so long under their views, their horrific words, their abuse. 

_Not any more_.

Looking up determinedly, he found a sudden burst of confidence. It was like something had finally clicked in his head: this was who he was, and this was the man he wanted to be with. 

And he finally understood something: he'd never felt this way about anything - anyone - before. Not like this. 

Finally, he was cutting himself a bit of slack; allowing him to be himself for once, rather than the perfect, idealised version his family had so often longer for.

He wasn’t straight, and that was ok.

He walked up the steps slowly, trying to come up with the right things to say. He so desperately wanted to explain everything - he _needed_ to explain everything.

His eyes quickly scanned the floor; the library was a lot quieter out of exam season. So it was a lot easier to spot him.

Remus. In his usual spot.

The sun streaming in through the window behind, kissing his curls, creating a golden halo. 

Sirius’ heart skipped a beat. He was so _beautiful_. 

Deep breaths. _In for 4. Hold for 4. Out for 4. In for 4. Hold for 4. Out for 4…_

Remus didn’t notice him, he was nose-deep in a book.

_Déjà vu._

He spread a nervous smile on his face, trying to ignore the full-on stampede of butterflies in his stomach. He felt sick. But he was determined to see this through: he’d come this far.

He started walking towards the table: he’d gone through this in his head countless times. He’d show his limitless wit and he’d get Remus to laugh. He wanted nothing more than to be the cause of his favourite Remus smile: the one he didn’t show often; the one that caused his eyes to crease at the corners; the one that felt like warm sunshine, like _home_.

In the end, his limitless wit failed him. 

“Uh, hi, Remus.”

The boy looked up, startled. “Oh, hello, Sirius.”

Sirius felt captivated. It felt like they hadn’t talked in years - why did it suddenly feel stilted and awkward?

“Uh- I brought you something.”

Sirius could see an adorable blush start to blossom on Remus’ cheeks. _God, how he’d missed him._

“Oh, thank you. That’s very kind of you. How much was it?”

Sirius barked a laugh. “I’ve never let you pay, and I’m not going to start now.”

They lapsed into silence, Sirius still holding both drinks. 

Remus coughed quietly. “Um, Sirius, are you going to give me the drink?”

Now it was Sirius’ turn to be embarrassed. “Oh, shit, yeah. This is yours.” He placed the drink gingerly in front of the boy, before plunging a hand into the pocket of his hoodie and brandishing 2 sugar packets. “And these.”

Remus took them gratefully. He took a small sip; Sirius couldn’t help but watch, enamoured. “Well, are you going to sit down, Sirius?” His name sounded so good coming from him. 

_Sap_.

“Yeah, um. That’s a good idea.” 

_This feels so awkward_.

He took a small sip of his coffee while he watched Remus’ slender hands empty the sugar packets and begin stirring. He didn’t realise he was staring until Remus coughed self-consciously. 

Sirius took a deep breath. He opened his mouth, but didn’t know what to say.

Only a few minutes ticked by, but it felt longer. 

Finally, the silence seemed too much for Remus. He refused to look up, instead preferring to fidget with the stick to stir his tea. “Ok, Sirius, I don’t know why you called me here, but what happened last weekend is in the past. I understand you have a girlfriend, that’s evident from, um, Saturday, but I, um...” he took a deep breath, putting up a hand to stop Sirius interjecting, but he still couldn’t look Sirius in the eye. “ _Liked_ you, and I need my space to get over you, so if you could just give me that, that would be great.” 

Sirius felt his heart skip a beat. Wait, what? Had he heard that right?

Remus Lupin _liked_ him?

Sirius couldn’t stop the grin from forming; it felt like his face was going to split in two. 

_Holy shit - this can’t be happening_. _I must be dreaming_.

Remus was still going, his fidgeting getting faster, more urgent. He was still anxiously staring down at his tea. “Because I like us being friends, and I don’t want to butcher that with a stupid crush that probably doesn’t even mean anything. You’ve been a good friend to me for the past month, and I’m happy I met you, and I want that back, so please…” He lifted his head when he felt the seat beside him dip under Sirius’ weight. “Why are you smiling? What are you-”

He was cut off by Sirius’ lips on his.

Sirius pulled away when he realised Remus wasn’t kissing back. _Oh shit._ **_He wasn’t kissing back._ **

“Shit, I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” Sirius stuttered, trying to ignore the bright red blush that he could feel rising up his neck. He looked down at his hands, now unable to look Remus in the eye.

_Shit shit shit shit shit._

He felt the bench shift beneath him. He glanced up: now Remus was facing him. A slender hand was placed on his chin, slowly tilting his face… 

And then Remus was kissing him.

Sirius couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t ignore the flutters rising in his stomach, and, as much as he hated the cliché, it felt like time stopped entirely.

This was everything he had dreamed of. It felt warm and soft and sweet and _right_. 

Remus pulled away abruptly, firmly shaking his head. “No. This isn’t right.”

Sirius was still dazed. _Remus just kissed him!_ “Are you sure? It felt pretty alright to me...”

Remus whacked his arm. “Well, one: we’re in a public library. And two: Sirius - you have a fucking girlfriend.”

_Sirius - this is it. Don’t fuck it up._

He took a deep breath. He was still sitting between Remus and the exit to the booth, but he could see Remus beginning to pack his things away.

“Sirius, please. I put my heart on the line, but I really um, _like_ , you, and if you’re just going to string me along, I’m going to leave before you hurt me...” Remus was trying to stuff his book back into his bag.

“I don’t have a girlfriend, Remus.” He had so much to tell him, but no idea how to even begin.

“Sirius - get out of the way please.” He paused, as if computing what Sirius had just said. “You- you what?”

Sirius gave a weak smile: “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Remus slumped back into his seat. “Then, then who-?”

Sirius walked to the other side of the booth, now confident Remus wasn’t going to try and run away from him. This was his chance: he was going to make this right.

He grabbed his phone from his bag, turning it so Remus could read it.

**Marlene: Hey Siriys i thinak ai kissed u and then u lefft so ifff i idd i;m soryrrrrrry ididnt mean 2 im druuuuuuuunk :((((((((**

**Marlene: Holy shit Sirius I’m so sorry I’ve just read what I wrote to you last night and I’m so so so so sorry. I get super inappropriate when I’m drunk and I shouldn’t have done that to you - I’m absolutely mortified.**

**Marlene: I really hope this doesn’t make things awkward between us. I’m really, truly sorry.**

He watched Remus read the texts multiple times. He placed the phone on the table to disguise how badly his hands were shaking.

Remus went quiet for what felt like a long time. Eventually he spoke: “Who’s Marlene?”

“She’s a girl from my French class. She has a girlfriend, and when I couldn’t find James or Pete, I stayed with them.”

“And you…” He watched Remus take a deep, long breath. “And you’re not… _with_ her? You don’t _like_ her like that?”

Sirius shook his head. He had never been more certain about anything. “No. I don’t.”

Remus’ eyes brightened. “You don’t?”

“No.” He let an easy smile fall across his face. “And also Marlene is very very gay.”

The corners of Remus’ mouth seemed to twitch, before he dropped eye contact once again. 

He went quiet for a bit. His voice was gentle when he finally spoke: “But what about the ghosting? Was it…” He paused. Took an anxious breath. “Was it me? Did _I_ do something wrong?” He started worriedly playing with the hem of his jumper.

Sirius shook his head firmly, and his voice was determined. “No. Absolutely not. Remus - don’t _ever_ think you did anything wrong. Please look at me.”

He couldn’t keep the sheer desperation from his voice. He hated that Remus had thought that: he couldn’t be more wrong. It was _Sirius’_ fault. It would _never_ be Remus’. 

He placed one hand on Remus’, gently rubbing small circles on the palm. “You could never do anything wrong in my eyes.”

Remus blushed slightly, but didn’t move his hand away. “Then… why?”

Sirius took a deep breath, then explained _everything_. 

Once he’d finished, Remus stayed quiet for a long time. Processing it. Taking it in because, well, it _was_ a lot to take in.

“Please say something Re.” Sirius implored.

Remus gave a small smile. “They’re right, you know.”

Sirius frowned in confusion.

“James and Pete. Your parents sound like arseholes.” He paused. “No offence.”

Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, laughing. “None taken, they are.”

A few beats passed before Remus spoke again. This time, his voice was soft. “I wish you would have talked to me.” 

Sirius couldn’t help but feel guilty. “Yeah, that would have been the logical thing to do. But, I don’t know, I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt you, but in doing that I ended up fucking things up even further.” He anxiously ran his hands through his hair. “This is the first time I’ve ever felt like this about a guy. And I know it’s fine and it’s not _wrong_ , but it’s hard not to acknowledge the years of hard work my parents did in causing me to feel that it is.”

Remus gently took Sirius’ hands in his own. “Well, they’re wrong. You’ve got a new family here. You said yourself - you’ve got James, and Pete, and…” he stood up awkwardly in his chair, leaning over the table to give Sirius a kiss on the cheek. “And you’ve got me.”

Sirius’ eyes became bright with tears; Remus placed a tender hand on his cheek. 

_Home_.

Aware that, perhaps, the library wasn’t the best place for this sort of conversation, Remus blushed slightly: “Do you, maybe, want to go get another coffee? My tea’s gone cold and, well, you look like you need one.” 

Sirius couldn’t help but smile. “I’d love to.”

Remus beamed. He walked to the side of the table, holding out a hand to Sirius and squeezing it tight. Like he was never letting go. 

Sirius grinned. “And I assume I’m not paying?”

“Absolutely not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy! This chapter was a nightmare to write, but please leave any feedback below :))


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